October 12th, 2017
” So I´m slowly accepting that my culture will disapear. My way of life, my comfort, will fade away. It´s crazy. I do, on some level, feel like I´ve been given a death sentence. 20 years to live. I haven´t, of course, but still. We talk about changes in our lives. Changes unforseen. Like how I wasn´t anticipating taking a gap semester, for example, or going to Cranbrook even. I normally welcome these changes, I think. They come day by day, not all at once. The difference is, I didn´t know all these changes were coming. Ignorance is bliss, no? And this? This is quite literarlly the biggest change of all, one of the biggest at least, of all I´ll experience in my lifetime. My life will change. Yet it feels more like it´s being ripped out from under me. All my dreams for what the future might hold are being forced to change.
I´ve thought a lot about history as a subjective concept. Simply put, how Ellis Island is part of our history now, but used to be just someone´s life. I´ve often wondered what my life would look like as part of history. Is it possible that my house could be the next Mayan ruins? My journal the next Rosetta Stone? My past days´musings have shed some light on what my life as a history will, quite likely, look like.
These past 100 years will seem something of a historical, incredible, disaster. Humor me. 1900-2100 will be the next fallen Roman Empire, disappearing Aztec civilization, mysterious Roanoke colony. We´ll be the people who got too far ahead of themselves that they crashed. A historical anomaly. I seek the words to describe it, yet am coming up empty. I can hear conversations. I wonder what our era will be called. ¨Yeah, that´s pretty insane. How they globalized, advanced so fast, killed our planet, then ran out of oil and burned. I wonder what life was like back then.¨ At the end of the day, we´re just a speck in history. Yet never would I have imagined my speck to be so incredibly important. I´m living on the precipice of something. Walking the edge. Then again, we all are.
Once again, my mind goes to myths. How the Mayan people were made first of other materials, and finally of corn. We fail even to see the mythology we are living. Truly, we are made now of oil. We are oil people, through and through.
While this monumental realization has me thinking about losing so many things I love about my life and my culture, I am learning already to adapt. More on that later. Just as an example, my mind keeps going to hockey. Perhaps the world´s most unsustainable sport.
The feeling I´ve had in my gut the past few days, to move on in my ¨agenda,¨ has felt similar to how I did at HMI after staying later Thursday nights, or hearing a great sermon from Vanbiesbrouck or Bells or Grassano. I imagine articulating the similarity has helped me realize just how big a deal this is. I mean, giving your life over to God, any higher power, is a life changing, monumental decision. Something you lose sleep over, something which scares you to commit all the way, to go all-in. Yet when the decision is made, at least that decision, it is so freeing and blissful. I suppose, depending on how I choose to think about it, one could argue that God-induced bliss is independent of anything I´m capable of feeling again. Depends. Yet it gets me wondering- how do I make that choice. Do I have to, do I ought to. ¨