Back to

Thoughts on Transference

One of our tasks during this period of Transference was to post a final yak. I, like most human beings, find it incredibly difficult to write something meaningful and deep on such short notice and under such a time crunch. Instead, have some disconnected thoughts on Transference.

Shimla is beautiful. We started this journey in a pretty little house in the mountains, and now we’re ending in a pretty big house in the mountains. The air is clear, and I can see the stars again when I go out at night. I went out last night, and saw a shooting star, and remembered being in Ladakh and seeing one on our last night in Phyang. We’ve come full circle, though the people I sit around now are so different from those who I started this trip with. They have the same names and faces as the nerds I flew to Delhi with, but they’re so very different, and I love them so very much.

Transference is painful. I really do love these people, and have loved this trip so much, that when I think about it my heart feels so full that it aches. The idea of leaving India, and of leaving these people, has brought me to tears at least once a day for the past three days. At the same time, I’m so excited to go home, and to be back with my family, who I have missed and thought of every day of this trip. There’s so much conflict inside of me right now, and I know that the purpose of Transference is to come to terms with all of those feelings, but that’s a really big ask for just three days. I’ve done a lot of walking in circles in the yard, looking at the stars and trying to come up with a coherent thought.

I just don’t know how I’m feeling anymore. Hopefully I’ll have some more clarity in the next day and a half of charades, gratitude circles, and reflection on the past three months. Regardless of whether or not I figure myself out, my time in India is at a close, and I am so thankful for the lessons this country has taught me. My peers aren’t the only ones who have changed, though it’s much harder for me to recognize changes in myself.

Thank you, India. I’ll miss you.